'Time for change'

So I have now been attempting a new diet with the aid of www.myfitnesspal.com for four days and I have to admit, after doing Weight Watchers on and off for years, this has managed to really get my motivation back up to do this properly and lose some weight, getting fitter and healthier in the process.

I've always had issues with my weight. And I know exactly when I started to gain weight and begin to get just that touch too chubby. And that was when my parents split when I was 6/7. I was literally given whatever I wanted and my way of dealing with the divorce was to eat, and eat I did. Weekends were worst when visiting dad because to please me I would just eat whatever I wanted and he would let me. I would eat portions as a 7 year old that most adults I know can't even comprehend. And I mean a big breakfast that could outdo anyone; a whole pack of bacon, a whole pack of sausages, scrambled eggs made from three eggs, tins of tomatoes, four slices of toast. And that would just be a breakfast. Every single day. So it's no surprise with my huge appetite, the foods I was eating and the massive portions, that I ended up quite a big girl.

Growing up I was pretty much bullied from primary school around year 2 as to my weight. And it's something I've grown to live with for the past 17 years. It was of course as one would expect, a lot worse in secondary school. But I also think the constant bullying (and sometimes physical bullying) made me the strong person I am today, or at least helped to make me who I am. And there some aspects of my 'figure' if you can call it that, that I do like. I like being big busted, I like having a big bottom and hips. I don't entirely hate my body. But that doesn't change the fact there is a lot I would like to change.

I have done Weight Watchers on and off since I was about 17 and I did actually manage to do quite well, losing three stone. But then I got with my now ex boyfriend who was a dealer and all I did for a year was smoke weed and eat take away, all night, every night. So the weight quickly went back on. Since then I have attempted to keep at Weight Watchers but it hasn't really happened. Due to money I decided to stop doing Weight Watchers and instead try My Fitness Pal. So far I'm trying my hardest with it. It is absolutely bizarre counting calories because I have never done this before. But I am hoping that by sticking to it and working hard at the gym, that it pays off.

Stephen Lawrence

I am watching the ITV programme on Stephen Lawrence. And I just find myself getting so angry.

I cannot stand racism, in any shape or form. I think racists are some of the lowest of the low. I actually hold racism as more disgusting than murders, both mass and serial killers included in that. I think racist slurs are some of the most offensive things that could ever leave a person's mouth. Whenever anyone makes a racist comment around me, whether it be seriously or not, my disgust is instantly apparent. If it is said in jest, in general conversation, I will make it very clear how much I am disgusted by the usage of the words.

I do not care what nationality you are, what race, what colour your skin is. Racism is not acceptable under any circumstances. If you are white, making a racist slur against someone with a darker skin colour, you are racist. If you are of a darker skin colour making a racist slur against someone who is white, you are racist (and far too many people fail to realise white people receive racist abuse, too) But I find it just as unacceptable when people of colour use racist slurs between themselves and justify it with the idea that it was their ancestors who were put through racism originally, so they deserve to claim the words back and use them. No. No you do not. The words are under no circumstances acceptable. Regardless of your colour or the context. And I do not just mean the 'n' word, I mean the 'p' word too and any other racist slurs.

I purposely disassociate myself from racist people. As far as I am concerned if you are racist you can either place your head under a guillotine, or discretely exit my life. Because I do not want to be associated with anyone who is capable of racism.

I have been the target of racism more than a handful of times in my life. It isn't nice. I have been there whilst friends have been at the receiving end of racism, and despite it putting myself in danger, of both verbal and physical attacks, I have stood up for those friends. And this is the issue in the UK at least.

It is obvious that many people are scared of making comments in case they are seen as racist. But they are also so scared of being tarred with that brush that instead of sticking up for those who receive racist abuse and telling those who are racist that they are in the wrong, they sit back and keep out of it. People need to stop being so scared of confrontation because racism will never, ever end whilst we let even one person continue to have the attitude that racism is ok.

Insistent urges

I am currently really struggling between the idea of getting up, rolling a fag and smoking it, and of staying put in my chair and fighting the urge.

You see, I am quitting smoking. I have smoked since I was 11 years old and on average I am used to smoking 15-20 roll ups a day. I have not had a fag since the very early hours of the morning on New Year's Day, around 6am, when I was still drinking.

Since then I have not had a cigarette and the cravings have not been nearly as bad as I thought they would be. On January 1st I didn't really experience any cravings, mainly as I was too hungover. Yesterday I only experienced them after eating and exercise. Today it has been a very mild craving after each meal. But tonight? Tonight the coughing has started. My lungs are starting the process of rejecting all of the shit in them which isn't being replenished by my continuing to smoke. And it is this which is making the craving I am currently experiencing and have been experiencing for the past half an hour, more intense than I can handle.

I am seriously in two mins. I don't know whether I can have just one fag or whether having one would lead to several more throughout the rest of the night. And then if I have a fag what about tomorrow? What about when I wake up and think to myself, 'Well, smoking isn't really that bad'. The craving has even made me question my reasons for quitting; which are purely that of my health.

I don't want to put three days to waste.

Progression or deterioration?

So as I type I am sat at my desk with my speakers plugged into my laptop. I had iTunes on shuffle, now I just have Skindred's latest album on; Union Black. Singing along like a trooper and thinking about the two nights of Skindred I have to look forward to in April when I see them two nights in a row on the Jagermiester tour. And it's made me think just how much my musical preferences have changed over the past two years.

Growing up I was I would say mostly influenced by my eldest brother's tastes in music. But I didn't actively start listening to the genre's he introduced me to until I was in around 11. Before this I mainly listened to what I had the opportunity to listen to; that being what was on the radio or cassette tapes and CDs bought for me. Unsurprisingly my favourite band in the early 90's was much like with every other young girl, the Spice Girls. There's no denying my music tastes up until I was in secondary school focused on mainstream, pop and chart music. Which could not be further from my tastes now at the age of 23.

My biggest influences music wise were my eldest brother, whose music tastes I share the most, who introduced me to rock, metal, punk, alternative music on a whole. Then my second eldest brother who introduced me to the 90's chemical generation of music; trance, house, dance, hardcore. When I first started to actively find music for myself, it was when I was in year 8 at school. I got into bands such as Blink 182, HIM, and more so into a band which my eldest brother brought me up on, Iron Maiden. And from there I have continued to explore, find and fall in love with more and more bands.

Yet my favourite genre of music has always been the opposite of metal. Trance. I find it the most relaxing kind of music, it chills me out and also reminds me of some amazing times, even if these times were fuelled by drugs. And there was the majority of times I would go out, a definite trend in the music being played. I didn't typically go to alternative nights, instead going to clubs which played house and hosted nights at the hands of some incredibly mind blowing DJs. And it made me realise my musical tastes are completely split in two. It's only been the past two years since I started going to festivals that my music taste has veered back over to metal and pretty much stuck there.

There are of course some genres of music I cannot stand. I cannot stand RnB, Hip Hop, mainstream pop music, Rap. I also do not like screamo as I feel that if I cannot understand what you are singing (and this also goes for Rammstein, as I cannot understand German) then I am not really going to be interested in your music, am I? I can't relate to these genres of music, whereas I can to metal, rock, punk, ska, etc. There is only one song in the entire of the past year which has been in the charts that I have managed to relate to and that was Adele - Someone Like You. I don't know anyone who hasn't been able to relate to that particular song.

I would pay to go see a band live, and by band I mean metal, rock, punk, ska, etc. But I would not pay to go see a mainstream artist live. I don't see the appeal. Despite being a lover of live music, festivals and loving the atmosphere at gigs as well as the adrenaline that comes along throughout and lasting a while after. But everyone has their different tastes and preferences. I've just learnt where mine are most loyal.